Last night, Instagram (sorry *Meta*) launched Threads, its self-titled Twitter competitor. Which, honestly, requires way too much tongue movement to pronounce, and I’m already sick of saying it. Petition for everyone to call it Fred’s instead? Anyway, because I’m a sucker and have serious FOMO, I’m already on Threads/Fred’s. I’ve got my badge number and everything, and I have a whopping five followers. I know, I’m ashamed of myself too. At this point, Threads seems to be composed mainly of obsessive overachievers (myself included) and brands who literally have to be there.
But on a more positive note, Threads’ launch is an opportunity for a new first post. Or…thread, I guess? Given that my first Instagram post in 2013 was literally a picture of a horse from an American Girl Doll Magazine, I’m starting from a low bar. But for brands, the stakes are a little higher. Some social media managers took the opportunity to poke fun at Threads, some stuck to regularly scheduled programming, and some kind of…lost the plot. Here’s my ranking of first threads (?) from food brands, from lawful good to chaotic evil.
1. Chipotle: Lawful good
It’s funny because it’s true…but seriously, Threads freepotle drop? Pretty please?
2. Wendy’s: Neutral good
Okay, this is not Wendy’s first thread. That one just read “Cheeseburgers.” Which, TBH, is honestly still pretty good. But this is clever, and I wish I thought of it.
3. Oreo: Chaotic good
Oreo took the opportunity to make fun of Threads and it’s inevitable (maybe? Idek anymore.) demise, which I can get behind. Plus, Oreo never misses. Have you ever had a bad Oreo? I didn’t think so.
4. Auntie Anne’s: Lawful neutral
I do. I love pretzels. It’s not clever, but I’m here for it.
5. Ritz: Chaotic neutral
Ritz's first thread was just “hello” with a picture of a Ritz cracker…this is their second post, and I don’t know what to make of it, honestly.
6. CAVA: True neutral
Sorry CAVA, but you can’t just caption pictures with emojis anymore. Threads is for overachievers who want to read their social media toxicity. Save the no cap pics for Insta.
7. Heinz UK: Lawful evil
First of all, they low key copied Chipotle. Second of all, why is ketchup capitalized? Plus, they already told us ketchup goes in the fridge on Twitter. We get it. The vibes are off for me…but maybe that’s just because they’re British?
8. McDonald’s: Chaotic evil
Sorry, but McDonald’s needs to let Grimace go. It’s July! He had a whole month to celebrate his “birthday,” and it’s over. Also, he’s super needy, and I’m sick of looking at him. He’s haunting my dreams.
9. Cheetos: Neutral evil
Cheetos claims their Threads account is run by Chester Cheetah himself. Sorry “Chester,” but I’m no fool. Tigers don’t have opposable thumbs.
Honorable mention: Starbucks
As usual, Starbucks is giving us nothing by setting their Threads account to private. Which is annoying, but very on brand.